I suspect there are many people out there who don't realize (on a conscious level) that there are indeed really crappy mothers out there. Though we hear about and thoroughly discuss the Casey Anthony, Diane Downs and Susan Smith monsters of the world, we tend to hold onto a mental picture of most moms fitting comfortably within the "acceptable" range of The Normal People Spectrum.
Unfortunately, a simple Google search shows that these destructive, hurtful mothers are pretty common. They are the curse that causes many children and adults consistent grief, feelings of extreme inadequacy, hopelessness, confusion, etc. Sometimes, these grown children end up understanding the complex, vindictive nature of their moms, and are able to put it all behind them. Other times, the adult children continue to allow the damaging, hateful behavior to continue, either by choice or by circumstances <<<<that's the category I fall in, by the way. And other times, the children spend the rest of their monster mom's life trying to gain her approval and living for little bits of "love-like" behavior from her.
Most of these children, such as myself, feel deep shame. Who wants to admit that their own mother hates them? At 47, I am only now able to freely admit that my mother is a malignant narcissist who hates me, always has and always will. The shame comes from that general belief that most people have regarding mothers being, to some extent, warm, loving beings. In addition, most people think of mothers as being "the person who knows you best." Therefore, I always feared that, if people know my mother hates me, they'll assume that:
1. She is spot on in her (warped, fabricated, vindictive) assessment of me.
2. If she thinks so poorly of me, I must certainly be a really really bad person.
3. I lack credibility.
Though I have not communicated with my hateful, bitter mother in years, I have been forced to deal with her destructive tactics and discuss the topic with others because of a recent crisis that she is fueling and facilitating. If only my own well-being was in jeopardy, I would continue to ignore her existence and carry on with my life. My young daughter, however, is the one who is in danger, and I exist to protect her.
My mother (I'll call her "Madge") has pounced on the irresistible opportunity to use my pending custody battle (with my abusive ex) as the ultimate weapon of total destruction against me. My daughter (I'll call her "Ava") makes the perfect pawn for her. Madge doesn't care about her. She barely knows Ava and hasn't even seen her in over three years. She doesn't care that Ava and I are being bullied and tormented and have been living in danger. She doesn't care that Ava is in imminent danger of being abducted by her abusive father and removed, forever, from the only country and way of life she has ever known. In fact, Madge knows that the more Ava suffers, the more I suffer..... and, of course, my suffering is the end goal.
In order to understand how on earth Madge could want so badly to destroy her child and grandchild, you first need to stop thinking of her as normal. Malignant narcissists aren't fueled by the same needs as other people, and, most importantly, they are unable to empathize.
Over the past few years, my disturbed mother has been on a quest for the elusive "empathy" that she has been witnessing in other people. She never could cry over the deaths of our loved ones. I remember her flaring her nostrils at me when I broke down at funerals, and hastily handing me a tissue while giving me the "annoyed" look. I cannot recall one single instance of her crying about someone else's suffering. Recently she decided to "become" a Buddhist. It's a great cover for her. She slaps Buddhist stickers and emblems on her car, memorizes and quotes Buddhist phrases, and tutors co-workers and Facebook friends on the topic of "compassion." Most people around her probably don't even suspect that it is but a performance for both them and herself because they are never in a situation to see how she is oddly unable to get upset over someone's suffering.
She does, however, cry now and then.......about her own "misfortunes" and screwed up life....usually, in the past, when she feared the local townsfolk were judging her for being an unemployed moocher or when she was feeling juvenile about not getting her way with her own mother....and, in the present, when things aren't going "just so" for her and she blames someone or something around her for not properly pacifying her miserable existence.
Madge has never been a stranger to self-pity. She has found ways to deal with her mental problems though:
1. Drinking rather heavily every evening.
2. Taking antidepressants and benzodiazepines for years and years and years.
3. Mooching tranquilizers (when Gramma was still alive).
4. Openly making fun of Christians and Christianity.
5. Pointing out how inferior other women are, either in public or on TV.
6. **(Her fave)** Trying to destroy (me) her only daughter by using whatever opportunity available.
No, I am not being paranoid. This is really what malignant narcissistic mothers do. They use whatever vindictive means available to dominate and hurt their own child. Think about it. There are some really screwed up people in the world. Some of them just happen to be mothers. If being a psychopath made a person automatically sterile, that would be great, but it just isn't in the cards.
So, some of us have horrible mothers. Some of us having been battling the confusion and frustration that comes with having a malignant narcissist involved in our upbringing.
I'm not finished shaking off the shame, but writing this has helped!
(In other posts, I'll provide more details about the recent sadistic shenanigans Malicious Madge has been up to.)
Saturday, August 31, 2013
INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTIONS ON THE RISE
I will continue to add links (tragedies) to this post as I run across them.
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England and the U.S. are both seeing a rise in the number of international parental abductions.
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MISSION FOR MUNA
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Child Abduction: Cases Rise By 88%, Foreign Office Warn Parents 'May Never Have Child Returned'
Many of the cases have been high-profile stories, including British 13-year-old Adam Jones, apparently held in Qatar by his late father's family. His mother Rebecca Jones said she had been trying to bring him home since 2009.Another mother, Leila Sabra has organised protests in Westminster to raise awareness of the case of her five-year-old daughter A'ishah, who is in Egypt after her dad allegedly failed to return her after a routine custody visit in 2009.An investigation into the trend by The Huffington Post UK, found that in the UK it is estimated more than 140,000 children go missing every year, one every three minutes.The statistic was calculated by the Child Exploitation and Online Protection centre, which includes teenage runaways, parental abductions and kidnappings.In the new stats released on Wednesday, last year alone the Foreign Office’s Child Abduction Section fielded an average of four calls per day to its specialist advice line, more than half of which were new cases.Cases were worked on in 84 different countries, showing just how widespread the problem has become.The Foreign Office also warned that they often have little power to intervene in foreign cases.
England and the U.S. are both seeing a rise in the number of international parental abductions.
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MISSION FOR MUNA
Noelle Hunter speaks about her daughters abduction.
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Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator
CLICK HERE FOR FULL ARTICLE
QUOTE:
QUOTE:
- There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
- An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
- Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
- Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
- Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and youknow I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
- If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
- Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
- Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
The Robing Room -- Where Judges Are Judged
GO TO "THE ROBING ROOM"
About the site:
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WASHINGTON STATE ROBING ROOM
Bottom 10 Judges
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About the site:
FAQs1. What is the The Robing Room?The Robing Room is a site by lawyers for lawyers. Our mission is to provide a forum for evaluating federal district court judges and magistrate-judges.2. Who operates The Robing Room?The Robing Room is owned and operated by North Law Publishers, Inc., a New York Corporation, whose principal shareholders are attorneys.
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WASHINGTON STATE ROBING ROOM
Bottom 10 Judges
Top 10 Judges
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Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
~<>~Portrait of the abuser~<>~
The quote is in reference to what he screamed at her in a store during one of his outbursts. He first ripped a package of ballpoint pens off the hanging device, then slammed the merchandise onto the floor and yelled at her, "Why don't you hurry up and die!"
She draws different variations of this "spider scenario" when he scares her with his rages.
Trying to Protect a Child from an Abusive Parent -- Maggie Blake
Maggie Blake, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Apr 9, 2007
QUOTE:
LINK TO ARTICLE
Apr 9, 2007
QUOTE:
For those who have found themselves in the painful position of needing to protect their child from an abusive parent, many have found that nobody seemed willing to help them do so. From the police and social service agencies, to family courts, these entities fail to protect thousands of children every year. This is confusing to most people, as there seem to be no good reasons why the powers that be who have the control to protect children from an abusive parent, often fail to do so. Frightening to many, is the apparent indifference many of these authorities appear to possess in regards to children who are being physically, mentally, and/or sexually abused by a biological parent.
When a parent first learns of abuse, the first thing they may do is call the police. And although police reports can play an important part in establishing documentation to be presented later during a custody hearing, it doesn't do much more than that. Technically, it's just a piece of paper, noted with the account of an event that you gave to an officer. Just because your child tells you that their parent sexually abused them, and you tell the police, and they write it on the report, does not mean that they will immediately go and arrest the offending parent.In other cases, a child has been beaten by the abusive parent, or sexual abuse is disclosed, leading the protecting parent to take the child to the emergency room of their local hospital. After an exam, and necessary treatment, the hospital may elect to contact the police themselves as they are required to do if abuse is suspected. However, even this corroboration between the hospital and the police does not mean necessarily that the offending parent will be arrested or charged with anything. This is particularly true when it comes to very young children, who are generally considered to be "unreliable" in court. As it was explained to this protective parent whose child was a toddler at the time the abuse began, if the child is too young to testify in court, the police will not generally arrest one parent on behalf of the other parent. Especially if those two parents happen to be in the middle of a divorce.A protective parent may see the necessity to reach out for further assistance by contacting their local child protective services department, asking them to investigate and evaluate the situation. This is what I did. After investigating, the representative of child protective services came to my home to meet with me regarding the results of that investigation. She explained to me that she fully believed that our case was flagged a "code yellow", meaning that the department believed that my tiny daughter was at least at "medium risk" of being sexually abused again if left in the unsupervised care of her biological father. When I asked what they would be doing next, she said simply, "nothing". When I called the police to ask if they would now arrest my estranged husband, they again told me that they would not.The next step was to go to court, and ask that my daughter not be forced to continue to attend unsupervised visitation with her father. A temporary order for supervised visitation was ordered, pending a visit to a child therapist. At the next hearing, despite being armed with the medical exam results showing that sexual abuse had occurred, the police report taken at the hospital, the report from CPS, and a new report from a court recommended therapist stating that my daughter was exhibiting "textbook" symptoms of a child who has been sexually abused, the court appeared to absolutely disregard my daughter's need for protection, and ordered her straight back into unsupervised visitation.This may seem like a rare flaw in the system to those who have not been scarred by it. But thousands of mothers (and sometimes fathers, too) and their children are treated very similarly as they attempt to gain protection for their child from an abusive parent. Be assured, this enormous failure of the agencies put in place to serve children, families, and communities, is not an anomaly. And until the fact that so many children are denied safety from those elected and paid to provide it is commonly known among the masses in this country, there will be no hope of repairing the situation.
LINK TO ARTICLE
Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes -- By Lundy Bancroft
QUOTE:
READ FULL ARTICLE HERE
The batterer is controlling: he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he may control how the family’s money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends.He is manipulative: he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality.He is entitled: he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family’s agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse (or to initiate) sex. He usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference. He is highly demanding.He is disrespectful: he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways.The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it.Most abusers do not express these beliefs explicitly: they are more likely to deny having them, or even to claim to have opposite convictions that are humane and egalitarian. An experienced batterers’ counselor may have to spend several hours with the abuser before the underlying attitudes begin to show. These attitudes are generally evident to victims, however, who often feel frustrated at the batterer’s ability to present a markedly different face to the outside world. This dual aspect to his personality also helps to keep the victim confused about what he is really like, and can contribute to her blaming herself for his abusive behaviors.
READ FULL ARTICLE HERE
Failure to Protect: The Crisis in America’s Family Courts
READ FULL ARTICLE HERE
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An investigation by The Crime Report shows such tragedies are the consequences of family court procedures that allow abusive spouses to manipulate the system and leave at-risk children at the mercy of prolonged, expensive court battles over custody. These battles end all too often with a parent forced to share unsupervised custody with an abusive spouse.The problems have been complicated by systemic flaws in the nation’s family courts that have gone unaddressed far too long.
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Child Abductions -- When Custody Issues Lead to Violence
CLICK HERE FOR FULL ARTICLE
QUOTE:
An analysis of all FBI child abduction cases where a motivation was known shows that custodial-motivated abductions—in which a son or daughter is taken against the will of the child and the custodial parent—have increased from 9 percent in fiscal year 2010 to 50 percent in fiscal year 2012. Sometimes the motivation is to convince the custodial parent to stay in a relationship; more often it is to harm the child in an act of retaliation. This trend appears to be on the rise, Douglas said. At least 25 instances of such abductions have been reported to the FBI since October.
Profiling International Child Abduction Suspects -- by Roger Alford
FULL ARTICLE--CLICK HERE
QUOTE:
From one of the comments:
"Half of the children abducted are taken during visitation. Fact.
Children taken to some countries are faced with cultural practices that are illegal and considered “child Abuse” in the USA, i.e. FMG, Child Marriage, arranged Marriage, child soldiers and more. FACT
Two states have already adopted legislation that would required family court judges to rely on the same ABA risk factors used in the above case. It is expected that this will be nationwide very soon. FACT
800 children are parentally abducted each day in the USA. FACT
Many are never found. Parental kidnapping is child abuse. Parental kidnappers have killed their children. It is not uncomon for them to be abandoned to relatives and even orphanges in foreign countries where they do not even speak the language. It is the social ill that is just coming out of the closet. The problem is growing."
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There was a fascinating case coming out of Indiana last month concerning the issue of profiling a person who is a serious risk for international child abduction. In Shady v. Shady, much of the case reads like a typical divorce and custody proceeding. But the interesting twist is that the custodial parent, Sheanin Shady, requested an order from the court that all parental visits by the non-custodial parent be supervised. Why? Not because he was at risk of hurting the child, but rather because she felt there was a credible risk that the father, a dual Egyptian-American national, would flee to Egypt with their five-year-old daughter.The court relied upon an ABA manual on international child custody that identifies six risk profiles. The six factors are:1. Have threatened to abduct or abducted previously;
2. Are suspicious and distrustful due to a belief abuse has occurred;
3. Are paranoid-delusional;
4. Are sociopathic;
5. Have strong ties to another country; and
6. Feel disenfranchised from the legal system.The court concluded that factors 1 and 5 were applicable. It concluded that there had been a prior threat to remove the child to Egypt and that the father was an Egyptian national who had strong ties to his country of origin.
From one of the comments:
"Half of the children abducted are taken during visitation. Fact.
Children taken to some countries are faced with cultural practices that are illegal and considered “child Abuse” in the USA, i.e. FMG, Child Marriage, arranged Marriage, child soldiers and more. FACT
Two states have already adopted legislation that would required family court judges to rely on the same ABA risk factors used in the above case. It is expected that this will be nationwide very soon. FACT
800 children are parentally abducted each day in the USA. FACT
Many are never found. Parental kidnapping is child abuse. Parental kidnappers have killed their children. It is not uncomon for them to be abandoned to relatives and even orphanges in foreign countries where they do not even speak the language. It is the social ill that is just coming out of the closet. The problem is growing."
Congressman Smith's child abduction legislation passes through subcommittee
READ FULL ARTICLE AT NJ.COM
QUOTE:
“The damage to the child and the left behind parent is incalculable and too often life-long,” Smith said. “The children especially are at risk of serious emotional and psychological problems and may experience anxiety, eating problems, nightmares, mood swings, sleep disturbances, aggressive behavior, resentment, guilt and fearfulness. Parental child abduction is child abuse. These victims are American citizens who need the help of their government when normal legal processes are unavailable or fail. Too many families have been waiting too long.”
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Thank you to Representative Smith!
QUOTE:
Legislation on the parental abduction of American children overseas was passed by the U.S. House Subcommittee on Africa, Global Health, Global Human Rights and International Organizations, chaired by Rep. Chris Smith (R-4th).
Smith introduced the legislation last week before hearing the testimony of 'left-behind' parents who remain in the U.S. while their children were abducted overseas. Several New Jersey families testified to the Subcommittee about their kidnapping ordeals and the heartbreak of being separated from their children.
The legislation, called the Sean and David Goldman International Child Abduction Prevention and Return Act of 2013, will next go to Foreign Affairs Committee.
The bill is named after David Goldman, of Tinton Falls, and his son Sean, who was abducted to Brazil by his estranged mother for five years only to be returned in 2012. It would empower the president with new penalties to inflict on countries who refuse to return American children, and 18 new tools to try to secure their return.
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Thank you to Representative Smith!
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