Tuesday, November 26, 2013

How Abusive Men Parent

HOW ABUSIVE MEN PARENT



LINK HERE

Authoritarianism

If an abusive man involves himself in child discipline, he has rigid expectations, low empathy and an angry style of "power-assertive" (i.e. verbal and physical force) punishment. Discipline is a quick fix to an immediate problem, not a thoughtful strategy based upon reasonable and age-appropriate expectations. He may see himself as a superior parent and not listen to input from his partner. He may swing between authoritarian and permissive, even neglectful, parenting.

         Low Involvement, Neglect & Irresponsibility

While children must respect his authority, their daily care is the mother's responsibility, especially routine or less pleasant duties such as diapers and homework. He may be unaffectionate with children and find excuses to avoid coming home. He is unlikely to sacrifice his needs to meet family responsibilities. His praise and attention, so rarely bestowed, may be highly valued by children. Neglect can alternate with periods of authoritarian control. 

         Undermining of the Mother

           Overruling her decisions, ridiculing her in front of the children, portraying himself as the only legitimate parenting              authority. Contempt towards his partner shows children it is okay to insult and even physically abuse her.


       

       Self-Centredness

        Selfishly expecting the status and rewards of fatherhood with- out sacrifices or responsibilities. May resist changes         to his lifestyle when a baby is born. Can be enraged by normal behaviour such as crying in infants. Expects children         to meet his needs (e.g., listen to his troubles, provide affection, or keep him company when he is in the mood).


Manipulativeness

Confuses children about blame for the violence and who is the better parent.

       Ability to Perform Under Observation

        During professional evaluations or in social situations, some abusive men can seem to be loving and attentive                 fathers. The contrast between public and private behaviour may be stark. Children may feel most comfortable with             him in public places.
 

Issues to keep in mind....

  • the more frequently a man abuses his partner, the more likely he will maltreat the children
  • children can be injured when mothers are assaulted (e.g., babes in arms)
  • the emotional abuse that virtually always accompanies physical violence will have a profoundly negative effect on children
  • children face enormous barriers to disclosing abuse or maltreatment in their homes
Some abusive partners can appear to be kind and dependable parents

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Friday, September 20, 2013

Another Washington State Child Internationally Abducted By Parent


Kirkland mom accused of fleeing to Japan to thwart parenting plan

Published 7:29 pm, Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Maximus, pictured in a photo provided by his father Kris Morness. King County prosecutors contend Maximus's mother Chie Kawabata abducted the boy earlier this year and has taken him to Japan. Photo: Family Photos


A Kirkland woman accused of fleeing to Japan with her son in an end run around a custody dispute now faces criminal charges.
King County prosecutors contend Chie Kawabata left the country earlier this year with her 5-year-old son, Maximus, despite court orders requiring her to keep the child in the United States. Kawabata has been charged with custodial interference, a kidnapping-related felony.
Writing the court, Deputy Prosecutor Benjamin Santos contends Kawabata has completely cut off contact with her son’s father, Vancouver, B.C., resident Kris Morness, and has no intention of returning the child. 
“The defendant has ignored the conditions of the parenting plan and simply defied the court’s last order,” Santos told the court. “It appears the defendant has made arrangements to move all of her belongings to Japan. … There is little reason to believe this move is not permanent.”
Santos went on to contend the Maximus may be in danger.
Kawabata, 46, is the fourth Japanese mother in recent years to be charged in King County with taking children to Japan in violation of court orders. Because Japan has not ratified the leading international treaty on the issue, U.S. authorities are effectively blocked from returning the kidnapped children.
According to charging papers, Kawabata and Morness divorced in 2012. While Maximus lived primarily with Kawabata, the parenting plan mandated that either parent receive permission before taking Maximus out of the country. 
In late 2012, Kawabata asked for a court order allowing her to take her son to Japan. King County Superior Court Judge Jean Rietschel denied her request in January, finding in part that “the detrimental effects of relocation outweigh the benefits.”
Morness learned Kawabata was missing in late July after his son didn’t show up for a weekend visitation. At his request, Kirkland police went to the woman’s home and found she’d moved out.
As it turned out, Kawabata and the boy flew to Japan on July 26. She had a one-way ticket.
In an email, Kawabata admitted she took the boy to Osaka, a Kirkland detective told the court.
“The torment I have endured in recent years have left me … emotionally ruined and forced my hands to take this step that I wish I did not have to take,” Kawabata wrote in an email to her ex-husband, according to charging papers.
Since her disappearance, Morness has launched a website describing his ex as a “senior HR manager/child abductor.” He’s also posted court documents supporting the claims made by police – chiefly that Kawabata had no authority to run off with Maximus. 
In recent years, U.S. authorities have seen an increase in the number of international custodial child abductions. Watchdogs on the issue say there are currently more than 1,000 such open cases involving U.S. parents whose children have been taken overseas.
Unlike the United States and 80 other countries, the Japanese government has not ratified the Hague Convention on International Child Abduction. The 29-year-old United Nations accord requires that member countries honor custody agreements made outside their borders unless doing so threatens the child involved.
In addition to Kawabata, prosecutors in King County have charged three other Japanese women with kidnapping their own children. None have answered the charges against them.
Most recently, prosecutors charged former Seattle resident Ryoko Fukuda with absconding with her daughter the day she was supposed to hand over the girl’s Japanese passport. According to charging documents filed in Aug. 2012, the girl’s father rushed to Sea-Tac Airport in an attempt to retrieve her. Prosecutors say Fukuda and the child were already flying to Japan. 
Michiyo Imoto Morehouse, previously of Bellevue, was charged with the same crime in 2010 after fleeing the country with her son. Her ex-husband had been awarded sole custody of the child.
In 2009, another former Seattle resident – Mayumi Ogawa – fled the country weeks after a King County Superior Court judge approved a parenting plan stating that her son would split his time between his parents, according to charging papers. The boy’s father has since been awarded sole control of the child.
Kawabata, like the rest of the women, remains at large. Prosecutors have requested that she be jailed if apprehended.


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Will You Help Stop International Parental Child Abduction?

Will You Help Stop International Parental Child Abduction?

"Man who murdered his daughters in shocking Muslim 'honour killing' is working as a New York City cab driver"

QUOTE:

One of America's most wanted fugitives accused of murdering his two daughters because they were dating non-Muslim boys is believed to be working as a cab driver in New York City.
Egyptian-born Yaser Said fled his home in 2008 after allegedly shooting daughters Aminia, 18, and Sarah, 17, in an horrific 'honour killing' on New Year's Day.



Killer: Egyptian-born Yaser Said, pictured, allegedly shot his two daughters in an horrific 'honour killing' and is now driving a cab in New York


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MUSLIMS IN AMERICA: HONOR KILLINGS OF WIVES AND DAUGHTERS

By Frosty Wooldridge
September 26, 2011
NewsWithViews.com

If you will take a gander at the September 26, 2011 issue of Newsweek, page 48, titled “Marry or else!” by Michelle Goldberg, you will see that the Balkanization of America steams full speed ahead of schedule. The quote by James Walsh below brings it home like gangbusters.
“Immigrants devoted to their own cultures and religions are not influenced by the secular politically correct façade that dominates academia, news-media, entertainment, education, religious and political thinking today,” said James Walsh, former Associate General Counsel of the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service. “They claim the right not to assimilate, and the day is coming when the question will be how can the United States regulate the defiantly unassimilated cultures, religions and mores of foreign lands? Such immigrants say their traditions trump the U.S. legal system. Balkanization of the United States has begun.”
In the Newsweek article, we now watch while American Muslim girls are sent off to marry men 20 to 30 years older than themselves—to uphold the family honor. If not, they are killed by fathers, uncles and brothers.
New research shows how it happens in England and the United States
Frankly, I am astounded that the politically correct media giant Newsweek would publish a piece exposing the barbarism of Muslims in America. It’s usually hidden, suppressed and avoided at all costs. You can bet honor killings in Detroit, Michigan as well as female genital mutilation and other Muslim rituals are being covered up by Muslim law enforcement now dominating the city. It is happening in the United Kingdom, Norway, Sweden, France, Belgium and Holland.
“Perhaps the most high-profile honor killing case in Britain has been the tragic 2006 killing of Banaz Mahmod,” said Goldberg. “Banaz entered into an arranged marriage at the age of 16 to a man who raped and beat her. Two years later, she fled the union and fell in love with another man. Enraged, her father and uncle, both Islamic Kurds, killed her and stuffed her body into a suitcase and buried it in a London garden.”
Before killing her, her two cousins and other Muslim men tortured, raped and beat her for breaking the family rules as to arranged marriages. The cousins, father and uncle now live in prison cells in London for their atrocities.
But it doesn’t stop there.
In the United States, in the past two years, over 3,000 cases of forced marriages have surfaced. Layli Miller-Muro, executive director of the Tahirih Justice Center, is trying to change that problem.
“We’ve already learned enough in the survey to tell us we’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg,” Miller-Muro said.
Forced marriages continue in most states of the Union where Muslims live. That includes Michigan, Iowa, California, New York, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Georgia, Colorado, Tennessee and Texas reported Goldberg.
One 16 year old girl attempted to escape her family after she rejected her arranged marriage. “My father said that he would behead me,” said the girl. “I’ll be considered dead by my family no matter what.”
“Other parents will take their children out of the country to marry them off—again, not an illegal practice,” said Goldberg. “In some cases, there has been clear violence or the threat of violence, which allows agencies to interfere, but in others, the pressure is financial or emotional.”
While the article in Newsweek touched only one aspect of Muslim rituals, it failed to address female genital mutilation, stoning, torture, rapes, multiple wives, killings of gays and subjugation of women to men’s power in America. While you can take the man out of the Islamic country, you cannot take the culture out of males used to brutally dominate their women.

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"AMERICAN WOMAN, ABDUCTED AS A CHILD BY HER MUSLIM FATHER, WANTS TO START FOUNDATION TO HELP VICTIMS OF INTERNATIONAL ABDUCTION"

Believe me.....these tragedies don't usually end so well.




This story is all too common: Muslim men marry non-Muslim women in the U.S., then take the children and go back to their Muslim country. The child is forced to live as a Muslim and never sees his or her mother again. But Nashwa El-Sayed and her mother fought back. I hope Nashwa does start her foundation to help victims of international abduction, and that she faces it squarely as largely a problem of Islamic supremacism. That kind of foundation should already be up and running. It is the kind of thing our government should be doing, if it had its priorities straight.
New Yorker’s international abduction as a toddler triggers career in politics New York Daily News, June 2, 2013
New Yorker Nashwa el-Sayed’s dream was to return to the land of her birth after she was abducted by he father and taken to Egypt. She eventually returned to the United States as a teenager.

New Yorker Nashwa el-Sayed’s dream was to return to the land of her birth after she was abducted by he [sic] father and taken to Egypt. She eventually returned to the United States as a teenager.

She’s an American who survived her own “Argo”-style daring escape from the Middle East.
And last week, Nashwa el-Sayed, 22, added a New York coda to her thrilling tale that shows this tenacious, young woman is dedicated to more than just her own personal freedom.
We have a stateswoman in the making here.
“I was born on Dec. 26, 1990, in Columbia Presbyterian to a Puerto Rican-New Yorker mom and an Egyptian-born father named Mohamed el-Sayed,” she says. “My mom was 30. My dad was like 33.”
She had no siblings. Sayed learned to creep and toddle in a home on 106th St. in South Ozone Park, Queens.
My mother tells me that when I was 2 1/2, she had a big fight with my father over his physical abusiveness,” she says. “First, he abused her. When he began to beat me, my mom said it caused me to stutter.”
Her mom took Mohamed Sayed to court. He moved out. The mom maintained custody of her daughter, but the dad was granted unsupervised visitation.
“One day in 1993, my father picked me up and didn’t bring me back to my mom,” she says. “My life changed forever that day.”
The NYPD and FBI search was futile. Sayed had absconded with his daughter to Alexandria, Egypt.
“I was learning English and didn’t know any Arabic,” she says. “I was placed with my father’s brother for two years. Then my father remarried and I moved back with him. But his new wife resented me.
“At 5, I became a maid,” she says. “Waiting on adults, cleaning and doing house chores. My stepmother also beat me and threatened that if I told my father she would kill me.”
Nashwa says she was a house servant until she was 9, when her stepmother gave birth to an autistic child.
“My job was to take care of my half-brother,” she says. “My father and his wife fought. She beat me. When I finally told my father that his wife was beating me, he beat me with a belt. I felt so alone, so alienated. I started asking about my real mother. He told me my mom had given me up as a baby and that she had died.”
Soon, her father divorced.
Nashwa lived alone with her father. “One day, out of the blue, he said, ‘Someone is coming to visit you.’ ”
Two weeks later, she answered the door. “I was about 10. Standing there was my mother,” she recalls. “I didn’t speak any English. She spoke no Arabic. But it was the happiest moment of my life. I embraced her. I wouldn’t let go.”
Her mother stayed for two weeks, explaining that she had finally learned of her daughter’s whereabouts from an Egyptian friend of Mohamed’s in Queens.
“It was heartbreaking when my mother returned to New York, but she promised to return,” says Nashwa. “My mom sent me tapes and videos: Backstreet Boys, Shakira, Madonna. I listened over and over. Memorizing lyrics. Asking my father what each English word meant.”
When her father got cable TV, she watched sitcoms like “Friends” and “The King of Queens,” learning English from Arabic subtitles. “My mom called every week, and she would correct my English until I could speak full sentences. My mother came back and stayed for the whole summer.”
Nashwa says her mother visited her only twice more after that summer, imploring her to find a way to come to America. “Unfortunately, I did not develop a deep relationship with my mother,” she says. “But what she told me about life in America made me want to go.”
Nashwa says she pestered her father to send her to New York to study. “He always said, ‘Next year. Next year.’ I was about 14 when America went to war with Iraq. It electrified the politics of the Middle East. I was an honor student in high school. When I was 16, I told my father I wanted a life in politics. He laughed and said, ‘Politics is not for girls. I found you a husband. He’s a businessman, so you will study business to help him at work.’ ”
Horrified by the prospect of an arranged marriage to an older stranger, she called her mother, who called the State Department.
“A few days later, in the summer of 2008, I was approached on the street by an FBI agent who gave me the name of a woman State Department agent I should secretly meet at the American Embassy.”
The next day, Nashwa told her father she was going to a friend’s party. Instead, she met with the State Department staffer and two FBI agents and told them everything about her abduction, life of servitude, beatings and a pending arranged marriage. “The State Department agent asked me, ‘Why should we help you?’ I said, ‘Because I am an American and I want a better life in America.’ ”
When she got home, her father was in a rage. He beat her. Her uncle’s wife had been in the embassy that morning wearing a burka and had seen Nashwa talking with the agents.
“I was taken to the uncle’s house,” she says. “All of my family was gathered, berating me, saying I was a bad Muslim. That in America, I would be drinking, partying with boys, living a life of sin. I looked at them and said, ‘If America is so bad, why are you all on a waiting list to go there?’ They had no answer.”
Nashwa called her mother, saying she would kill herself before marrying a stranger. When her mom told the FBI that her daughter had been seen at the embassy and was contemplating suicide, they again surreptitiously contacted Nashwa. “They said they had a seat on a flight leaving Cairo in the morning. ‘This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance,’ the agent said.”
ashwa arranged to sleep at a friend’s house, grabbed her secret $600 in savings and texted the FBI agent the friend’s address. She didn’t sleep a wink. Then at 5 a.m. on Aug. 13, 2008, Nashwa tiptoed out of the friend’s apartment. She raced down the seven steps to the gate.
No van.
Panicked, she texted the FBI agents. The feds replied they were running late. Her phone buzzed with a text from her father. She started to run. Her father called. She ran faster. Almost a mile. Ran all the way to the highway — where the FBI agents skidded to a stop.
They pulled Nashwa into an unmarked van and raced for the airport. Handed her an American passport. Her father called. Her father texted. “I threw the cell phone out the window,” she says.
Suddenly, she was on a plane to Austria.
“I connected to a plane to France,” she says. “And then, like a dream come true, I was landing at John F. Kennedy Airport in Queens, where I was kidnapped by my father 15 years earlier.”
The mother-daughter reunion was not the fairy-tale ending Nashwa had imagined.
Time, distance, clashing cultures and her mom’s boyfriend all created a chilly barrier.
“I stayed with my mother until I was 18,” she says. “Then I enrolled in Queens College, took student loans and got a job in a mall and waiting tables at Woodhaven House restaurant and found an apartment on Craigslist and studied hard.”
On Friday, Nashwa was awarded a bachelor’s degree in political science and international relations from Queens College. But she was not there to collect her diploma.
Last Tuesday, she left on a two-week mission to the Middle East with the prestigious Ibrahim Foundation Leadership and Dialogue Project to study the political, cultural and economic structures of Dubai, Israel, Oman and Saudi Arabia.
Nashwa is one of six students representing Christianity, Islam and Judaism — two from each faith — working to foster a common dialogue in the flaring Middle Eastern conflicts.
“My other goal in life besides international politics is to start a foundation to help families struggling with international abduction,” she says. “I want to use my own experience to help others going through similar nightmares. My father laughed at me when I told him I wanted a life in politics. I live back in my native America now, so I think I will have the last laugh.”
Hats off to the graduate.



Tuesday, September 17, 2013

"CHILD'S BEST INTEREST" (????)




QUOTE:

The generalization is frightening, but like all broad statements there are many exceptions: After twenty years in family law courtrooms throughout the country, I confidently say that no woman, despite very abundant evidence that her child has been sexually molested by her ex-husband or that she has been repeatedly pummeled by the violent father of her child, can safely walk into any family court in the country and not face a grave risk of losing custody to the abuser for the sole reason that she dared to present the evidence to the judge and ask that the child be protected. Why is that? The fault does not lie with the "law" except to the extent that judges are granted discretion under the law. No statute, codal provision, or court rule was ever designed for the purpose of hurting kids. If the law fails kids, the judges are failing kids.
There are several paradoxes that terribly frustrate those in these trenches. First, criminal courts — with the heavy burden of proof beyond a reasonable doubt–will convict people for crimes of abuse on the same evidence that family court judges deem to be no evidence at all. Second, normal reactions of mothers to abuse of themselves or their children are viewed by family court judges as evidence that the abuse never occurred. Third, mental health evaluations are considered more reliable and desirable "evidence" of whether or not an event occurred than eyewitnesses, physical evidence, or even admissions by the perpetrator. And fourth, the lack of eyewitnesses, physical evidence, or admissions is considered proof that the event did not happen, despite its rejection as meaningless when present.
We live in an era professing condemnation of child rape and wife beating. We spend countless advertising dollars seeking to persuade mothers to protect themselves and their children, and when they do not act quickly enough, they are found unfit for choosing the abuser over their own child. 
Yet, let them heed our advice, let them go to the courthouse — often for the first time in their lives, to ask the judicial branch to honor its end of the social contract- and request simple physical safety, and they face destruction in the backfire of a system beating its chest to the hollow chant of the "child’s best interest." The "child’s best interest," a phrase so insidiously potent that appellate courts are loathe to question some trial judge’s irrational, unsubstantiated, gender-biased, self-contradictory, absurd, off-the-wall interpretation of it. 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Parental child abduction reaches ‘global epidemic proportions'

FULL ARTICLE FROM APB GROUP

QUOTE:

The summer holidays – one of the most anticipated times of the year; a time when families come together to enjoy each other’s company and create cherished memories that will last a lifetime.
The summer holidays are also, tragically, the time of the year when parental child abductions soar, according to ABP World Group, a global, intelligence-driven security and risk management firm that specialises in child recovery.
Asbjørn Engum, the vice president of the organisation, which has recently relocated its main administration offices from Norway to the Costa del Sol, tells SUR in English: “The summer is, typically, when parental child abductions peak. This is because it’s often easier at this time because children are out of school and they usually have a greater degree of freedom, as they – and often their guardians – are in holiday mode.
“And, in some cases, the summer is when the estranged parent would, under normal circumstances be with their child, so there’s a greater sense of wanting to take them if they’re not currently with them.”
Whilst now is the season when international child abductions significantly increase, it is in general terms a problem that has in recent years, says Asbjørn, “reached global epidemic proportions.” Why so?
“The ongoing increase in inter-racial and inter-cultural marriages and relationships has led to, and will continue to generate, a significant rise in the number of children born to parents of differing nationalities,” affirms ABP World Group’s vice president.
“Unfortunately, a considerable number of marriages – of any kind – do break down and end in an acrimonious divorce. When this happens with an inter-racial or inter-cultural couple, it is often the case that one of them then moves back to his or her ‘home’ country.
“Sadly, all too often one of the partners will look to punish the other one, and a way to do this is to abduct a child of that relationship – frequently moving them to a country where the child has never lived.”

Mission For Muna

Mission For Muna



Noelle Hunter speaks about her daughters abduction.


My daughter, Maayimuna (Muna) Nyeeleni N'Diaye, is a sweet, wise and funny little girl. She likes dolls, Nick Jr., taking little walks and playing with her sister, Rysa. The last time we saw Muna was on Christmas Day, when I met her father, my ex-husband Ibrahim N'Diaye, for custodial exchange. We had joint custody.
Federal law enforcement flight searches later revealed that on Dec. 27, 2011, Ibrahim, Muna and another woman, Anna Schein of Morgantown, WV, left New York on Royal Air Maroc Airlines, Ibrahim and Muna had one way tickets, Ms. Schein returned alone.
The Rowan County (KY) Attorney issued a warrant for custodial interference, a Class D felony offense. Interpol issued a blue notice for Ibrahim, and an yellow notice for Muna. The U.S. State Department, Office of Children's Issues has been instrumental in establishing their location in Bamako, Mali, and securing two visits to verify her welfare. The Mali Ministry for Foreign Affairs, the Mali Embassy and Washington DC and the Mali UN Ambassador in New York have all stated an desire to see a successful resolution, but say Ibrahim will not cooperate.
The N'Diaye family, which all are complicit in keeping her, (though I don't believe most of them knew his intention to abduct her) must feel the pressure of her family and extended family (which is growing by the day thanks to your shares and likes) to see her return.
Please keep sharing, liking and talking about Muna and how she must come home. Light candles and post the photo on her page. Most importantly, keep believing with us that the Lord, Strong and Mighty, the Lord Mighty in Battle, has total control and will see a good end, using us to do it.


Characteristics of an emotional abuser.



From the article Signs of Emotional Abuse, here is a list of what emotional abusers tend to do:

  • Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions
  • Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves
  • Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions
  • Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing - it give them the control to manipulate future events. 
  • Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, yet will often bring up how their emotions are being effected
  • Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive
  • Change the subject to divert attention from themselves
  • Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.
  • Threaten or hint of physical, mental or sexual abuse
  • Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self)
  • Show inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame)
  • Try and control others to domineer and limit freedom or expression
  • Forget commitments and promises.
  • Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.
  • Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt or fear
  • The actions and promises are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another
  • Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped into a corner
  • Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.
  • Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves
  • Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses
  • Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority
  • Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity
  • Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them
  • Slander the name, reputation, associations or activities of those they can’t control

Looks spot on to me!

Monday, September 2, 2013

~<>~Meet the man who babysat my daughter most of the time during her 3-week abduction.~<>~


This is Khalid.  He is a radical Muslim who is so bat-shit crazy that he was banned from all the mosques in and around Seattle (or so I have been told).  He is a friend of my daughter's birth father ("Floyd").  

When Floyd perpetrated court fraud and service of process fraud in 2010 and 2011, he snatched Ava from our home state of Pennsylvania and fled to his home in Seattle.  

Floyd was quite unhappy that he could not leave Ava in a daycare (because she kept telling everyone to call 911).  He also did not enroll her in school (though she had been attending Kindergarten in Pennsylvania) because he had intended to relocate her overseas as soon as he got his paperwork in order.  

Anyway, he was forced to leave her with this scary man while he ran his mysterious errands and did his "coffee shop internet activities" -- he preferred doing most of his internet use away from his own home, even though he had his own IP.  He has done this for many years. 

It breaks my heart to hear her talk about Khalid.  She was forced to go there and take naps with Khalid while Floyd ran around doing who-knows-what.  Floyd was unemployed and on welfare and living in government housing, so he sure wasn't going to work.  He was finished with college, so he wasn't going there.  I believe that part of the answer to his whereabouts during those weeks lies inside his oh-so-secret passport and his heavy backpack of secret papers that he carries everywhere -- even to the bathroom.    (Unfortunately, the family court commissioner in "X" County, Washington who last saw us in court didn't think it was necessary to see his passport....despite his shady kidnapping history.)

Ava is only able to draw and write about her experiences in bits and pieces because it forces her to go back to uncomfortable places, and, though I use these opportunities to discuss her feelings with her, I will not push her to do these life writings and drawings.





Saturday, August 31, 2013

~<>~SHAKING OFF THE SHAME OF HAVING A VICIOUS MOTHER~<>~

I suspect there are many people out there who don't realize (on a conscious level) that there are indeed really crappy mothers out there.  Though we hear about and thoroughly discuss the Casey Anthony, Diane Downs and Susan Smith monsters of the world, we tend to hold onto a mental picture of most moms fitting comfortably within the "acceptable" range of The Normal People Spectrum.

Unfortunately, a simple Google search shows that these destructive, hurtful mothers are pretty common.  They are the curse that causes many children and adults consistent grief, feelings of extreme inadequacy, hopelessness, confusion, etc.  Sometimes, these grown children end up understanding the complex, vindictive nature of their moms, and are able to put it all behind them.  Other times, the adult children continue to allow the damaging, hateful behavior to continue, either by choice or by circumstances  <<<<that's the category I fall in, by the way.  And other times, the children spend the rest of their monster mom's life trying to gain her approval and living for little bits of "love-like" behavior from her.  

Most of these children, such as myself, feel deep shame.  Who wants to admit that their own mother hates them?  At 47, I am only now able to freely admit that my mother is a malignant narcissist who hates me, always has and always will.  The shame comes from that general belief that most people have regarding mothers being, to some extent, warm, loving beings.  In addition, most people think of mothers as being "the person who knows you best."  Therefore, I always feared that, if people know my mother hates me, they'll assume that: 

     1.  She is spot on in her (warped, fabricated, vindictive) assessment of me.
     2.  If she thinks so poorly of me, I must certainly be a really really bad person.
     3.  I lack credibility.

Though I have not communicated with my hateful, bitter mother in years, I have been forced to deal with her destructive tactics and discuss the topic with others because of a recent crisis that she is fueling and facilitating.  If only my own well-being was in jeopardy, I would continue to ignore her existence and carry on with my life.  My young daughter, however, is the one who is in danger, and I exist to protect her.  

My mother (I'll call her "Madge") has pounced on the irresistible opportunity to use my pending custody battle (with my abusive ex) as the ultimate weapon of total destruction against me.  My daughter (I'll call her "Ava") makes the perfect pawn for her.  Madge doesn't care about her.  She barely knows Ava and hasn't even seen her in over three years.  She doesn't care that Ava and I are being bullied and tormented and have been living in danger.  She doesn't care that Ava is in imminent danger of being abducted by her abusive father and removed, forever, from the only country and way of life she has ever known.  In fact, Madge knows that the more Ava suffers, the more I suffer..... and, of course, my suffering is the end goal.

In order to understand how on earth Madge could want so badly to destroy her child and grandchild, you first need to stop thinking of her as normal.  Malignant narcissists aren't  fueled by the same needs as other people, and, most importantly, they are unable to empathize.  

Over the past few years, my disturbed mother has been on a quest for the elusive "empathy" that she has been witnessing in other people.  She never could cry over the deaths of our loved ones.  I remember her flaring her nostrils at me when I broke down at funerals, and hastily handing me a tissue while giving me the "annoyed" look.  I cannot recall one single instance of her crying about someone else's suffering.  Recently she decided to "become" a Buddhist.  It's a great cover for her.  She slaps Buddhist stickers and emblems on her car, memorizes and quotes Buddhist phrases, and tutors co-workers and Facebook friends on the topic of "compassion."    Most people around her probably don't even suspect that it is but a performance for both them and herself because they are never in a situation to see how she is oddly unable to get upset over someone's suffering.

She does, however, cry now and then.......about her own "misfortunes" and screwed up life....usually, in the past, when she feared the local townsfolk were judging her for being an unemployed moocher or when she was feeling juvenile about not getting her way with her own mother....and, in the present, when things aren't going "just so" for her and she blames someone or something around her for not properly pacifying her miserable existence.   

Madge has never been a stranger to self-pity.  She has found ways to deal with her mental problems though:

     1.  Drinking rather heavily every evening.
     2.  Taking antidepressants and benzodiazepines for years and years and years.
     3.  Mooching tranquilizers (when Gramma was still alive).
     4.  Openly making fun of Christians and Christianity.  
     5.  Pointing out how inferior other women are, either in public or on TV.
     6.  **(Her fave)**  Trying to destroy (me) her only daughter by using whatever                 opportunity available.

No, I am not being paranoid.  This is really what malignant narcissistic mothers do.  They use whatever vindictive means available to dominate and hurt their own child.  Think about it.  There are some really screwed up people in the world.  Some of them just happen to be mothers.  If being a psychopath made a person automatically sterile, that would be great, but it just isn't in the cards.  

So, some of us have horrible mothers.  Some of us having been battling the confusion and frustration that comes with having a malignant narcissist involved in our upbringing.  

I'm not finished shaking off the shame, but writing this has helped!


(In other posts, I'll provide more details about the recent sadistic shenanigans Malicious Madge has been up to.)











INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTIONS ON THE RISE

I will continue to add links (tragedies) to this post as I run across them.

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Child Abduction: Cases Rise By 88%, Foreign Office Warn Parents 'May Never Have Child Returned'


adam jones

Many of the cases have been high-profile stories, including British 13-year-old Adam Jones, apparently held in Qatar by his late father's family. His mother Rebecca Jones said she had been trying to bring him home since 2009.
Another mother, Leila Sabra has organised protests in Westminster to raise awareness of the case of her five-year-old daughter A'ishah, who is in Egypt after her dad allegedly failed to return her after a routine custody visit in 2009.
An investigation into the trend by The Huffington Post UK, found that in the UK it is estimated more than 140,000 children go missing every year, one every three minutes.
The statistic was calculated by the Child Exploitation and Online Protection centre, which includes teenage runaways, parental abductions and kidnappings.
In the new stats released on Wednesday, last year alone the Foreign Office’s Child Abduction Section fielded an average of four calls per day to its specialist advice line, more than half of which were new cases.
Cases were worked on in 84 different countries, showing just how widespread the problem has become.
The Foreign Office also warned that they often have little power to intervene in foreign cases. 

England and the U.S. are both seeing a rise in the number of international parental abductions. 
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MISSION FOR MUNA

Noelle Hunter speaks about her daughters abduction.


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Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

CLICK HERE FOR FULL ARTICLE

QUOTE:

  1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
  2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
  3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
  4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
  5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and youknow I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
  6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
  7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
  8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.